Tonight we dine on turtle soup!

OK.... So all you guys probably read my rant about the first NES Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game, right? About how it didn’t exactly “fulfill” the expectations swirling around it due to its’ serious atmosphere and quite challenging difficulty? Around the same time, the arcade version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles appeared, and BOY! Was it a classic to remember! Prior to the whole Street Fighter II boom, the Turtles beat-em-up arcade game by Konami was THE quarter-gobbler of the end of the 80’s. Now only did it feature a VERY popular license at that time, but it also had the fantastic quality of having 4 players in simultaneous action! You could amass quite a gang in those cabinets, and playing with 3 different strangers was also quite the experience (and you could chew their asses off if they went after the pizza when YOU were the most damaged player of them all).

Ahhh....good times! Well, obviously, we having our pretty damn old NES boxes lying around, we certainly NEVER expected to see this fabulous game ever grace our TV screens. Oh, how wrong we were! Courtesy of Ultra Games (and this would pretty much confirm that Ultra was working in cahoots with Konami), we actually saw a NES version of the popular arcade game! And it wasn’t hella crappy ala all those SF II hacks you might have seen, and it didn’t need to be an Atari classic to actually work! All the elements were here, and then some!

If you’re one of those ungrateful young-ins, allow me to explain. This game is mostly a beat-em-up in the same vein as Double Dragon or Final Fight. You and a friend (if applicable) can each pick one of the rad Turtles, and embark on several journies that usually involve (you guessed it) rescuing your allies, who turn out to be....YES! APRIL O’ NEILL AND SPLINTER! Man, I knew you were that smart, I just knew it! You didn’t see that one coming, eh? Oh well, your adventures take you through about 10 stages of Foot Soldier-mania, and some other random enemies from the TV series that just pop up by the hundreds and try to step in your way. Good thing for us that, while pretty much 80% of the time you will be facing Foot Soldiers, there is enough variety of the Foot Clan to keep you entertained.
Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, hawaiian punch, juicy mango, and fruity-doop-doop flavors all rolled in one!

The moves are rather simple, really. There is an attack button and a jump button. Pressing the attack button while jumping will result into a jump kick, and pressing both buttons simultaneously will result in a special leaping attack, which believe me, you will use VERY often. Why is that? Well, just walking up to enemies and wailing on them with the attack button CAN work, but more often than not, they can muster a hit in between hits and damage you. Sure, in the case of Foot Soldiers, it only takes 2 normal attacks to send them down, but why bother when you can use your special attack and do them in in just one hit? Unlike other beat-em-ups (mainly those from Capcom), doing special attacks don’t cost energy, they’re fast, and quite reliable! Abuse at your discretion! Unlike the first NES TMNT game, you’ll find that each Turtle pretty much has the same qualities in each other (even though there are some people who think that there are still minor differences when it comes to weapon range), so yeah, I guess it’s good to go if you want to pick Raphael again.

That’s all there pretty much is to it in the game. Throughout some stages, you may find some “environmental hazards” you can whack towards the enemy to eliminate them in a single hit. These can range from street signs, traffic cones, and even manhole covers which the Foot Soldiers throw at you! There is, of course, the trademark Ninja Turtle food (PIZZA!) which is used to fully recover your energy. In a 2-player mode, it’s wise (and ETHICAL) to let the more damaged Turtle pick the damn pizza. In real life, you can hog your own damn pizza if you want to, but in this game, don’t be a complete asshole and leave some for your hurt friend, or let the fists FLY, baby! You start the game with 3 lives, but after you have eliminated 200 enemies (which may sound like a lot, but after a while, you’ll see it isn’t that hard) you’ll gain an extra life.

What really shines with this conversion (as will be seen in the walkthrough) is that not only does this game have all the stages and bosses from the arcade game, it has 2 extra stages! That is totally cool and makes up for the lack of 4-player adaptability. It also gives us more original enemies to see, and mix things up even for the arcade game purists. As a curious note, and probably as a way to cash in on the whole “Turtles love pizza” fad, you will see that some stages may contain shameless Pizza Hut plug-ins (that were obviously not in the original arcade game), but hey, the game came with some Pizza Hut coupons, so it aint’ all that bad, eh?

Pizza pizza...lotsa lotsa!

Stage 1 takes you into the fiery halls of April O’ Neill’s apartment complex. Of course, dozens of Foot Soldiers are waiting to ambush you in every corner, so you gotta deal with those hacks, too. Also, for some reason, huge iron balls come crashing down every staircase you come across. Guess it must suck to be the guys who keep pushing those balls down the stairs.... You will also face some Roadkill Rodneys (those pesky wheel robots who are hard to catch), until you finally get to April’s apartment (why does she have to live in the last goddamn crib in the hall? Dumb bitch....).

Your battles in the apartment will be fairly brief until Rocksteady appears via the Tubular Transport (that drill thingy)...which is kinda weird assuming that the Transport had to drill ALL the way up to whatever floor April’s apartment is. Anyway, Rocksteady will keep firing that damn machine gun of his both forward and diagonally, and sometimes he will put it away and shoulder charge you instead. Here is Boss Strategy 101: Jump kick add nauseum. Seriously, NEVER go into a head-to-head fight with a boss, not even with special attacks. You always end up in the losing end of the exchange. Jump kicks allow you to strike quick and to jump away just as fast to start the whole thing again. Just be sure to jump kick Rocksteady when he fires forward and not diagonally so you won’t purposely shoot yourself. After beating Rocksteady, a stowaway in the Transport makes his unwelcome appearance....

After realizing that turtles have no dicks, April decides to hang out with a REAL man!

Stage 2 is now the typical brawl in the mean streets of New York! Keep your eyes open, for there are environmental weapons everywhere! Parking meters, manholes, and even a fire hydrant! Basically, it’s the same as always, although there is a section where you can fight on two levels at some point (via a high-rise). A funny note here is that a lady in a skateboard appears in the middle of the level, and you can attack her, scare the living shit out of the skank, and earn an extra point! Yay for being such mean citizens!

Where my money at, ho?

Bebop will come crashing down at the end of this level. Bebop is kinda tricky since he can shoot a stun gun and has a pretty quick uppercut that he can use almost in reaction after a jump kick. Just keep moving and be sure your jump kicks land some distance away from Bebop so you can get out of his uppercut range. He also does a shoulder charge like his friend Rocksteady, but like before, just stay out of his way. Once you tag him out, you go down the manhole to familiar territory.

Now you are in the sewers! This sure feels like home, but don’t go around lurking in the waters too much.... Eventually, missiles will start shooting out of it (how, I dunno), so you gotta force yourself into the upper level. Here is where you will face those pesky Mousers. They can be quite a chore to hit, but if you position yourself in such a way that you can hit them from one side, walk forward, turn around, and hit them as soon as they land again, you can take care of them pretty easily. Again, for some reason, at mid-level, a rising gate comes up and down constantly on the ground level. It’s easily avoidable, though, so don’t worry too much about it.

Baxter Stockman rides his koo-koo nutty machine as the boss of this level. He might think he’s a genius, but all his piece of junk does is drop Mousers. Why do evil scientists have to be so fuckin’ dumb? Ahh well. Those Mousers sure can be pesky, so take them out with a special attack as soon as they appear. Baxter is annoying because he keeps flying around and is not easy to focus a jump kick on him, but do so anyway. Blow him to kingdom come, and off you go back to the surface!

First major difference between the arcade and NES versions: While Rocksteady and Bebop will await for you as a tandem boss, the mutated version of Baxter Stockman will be your opponent, instead.

Here is where the first original stage comes into play! You will pave a way through a snowy Central Park, which is literally clogged with snow-covered manholes which you can slip into for minor damage if you’re not careful. This stage also has its’ fair share of natural disasters: boulders fall from the sky in some sections, and even some snow plowers may come through at any given moment. There is also a distinguished type of enemy that is new to this stage: Crazy-ass snowmen! ...Actually, they’re just small spring robots in disguise who like to fire missiles every couple of jumps. If you stay on their asses, you should prevent this from happening and whitter them down.

The boss of this stage is called Tora, who is basically a polar bear in a biker get-up. Well, nobody said the Turtles villains were run-of-the-mill cronies. Anyway, all this guy does is throw rocks and slap the taste out of your mouth. Everytime he gets hit, he goes to one side of the screen and throws a rock at you. With this in mind, if you keep crossing him side-by-side with jump kicks, you can just make him perpetually go back and forth without being able to throw a rock and just repeat it till he’s dead. Probably one of the easiest bosses if you get him right.

...Yay! Spring break time! Lots of beer and bitches, not exactly in that order! WOOOOOO!

This stage is followed right up by the parking garage. Aside from the usual environmental hazards (which now include explosive oil drums that can clear off a bunch of Foot Soldiers), you obviously have to look out for the parked vehicles themselves. Foot Soldiers come out of the back of the trucks, and when you spot two cars of the same color lying next to each other, watch out! The first car will zoom out and run your shell over. Really, this stage is pretty uneventful. Until you get to....

Baxter Stockman revisited! Originally, in the arcade version, you would have to face Rocksteady and Bebop at the same time, but I guess they get originality points for giving us Fly Baxter. Anyways, Baxter is even easier than before now! He kinda shoots fireballs from his fly arms, and every now and then, he swoops from one side to the other and attacks you with...a fly swatter, I guess (oh, the sweet irony of it all). Like Tora before him, you can trap Baxter rather easily if you catch him in a corner with jump kicks. Since you keep jumping, Baxter will shoot his fireballs upwards, but they will totally miss, while your kicks still connect. Keep going at it and (finally) you rescue April O’ Neill...again.

And this will be the closest thing the Turtles will ever get to sexing April up. Do cry for me, Argentina.

As usual, Soldiers (and some Roadkill Rodneys) harass you. As you would suspect, yes, incosaving April O’ Neill means diddely, so the adventure continues! Now, it’s time to get on the freeway as hordes of Foot ming vehicles will make life hard of you, but just stay either in the upper or lower part of the screen to avoid any surprises. A good trick here comes with the biker Foot Soldiers. Since they spawn indefinetly, you can rack as many points (and as many lives) as you possibly can...of course, if you’re up to it. This stage comes without a boss (it ends at the tire barrier).

The next stage, you will...still be on the freeway. But now, you’re on a skateboard. A ROCKET-powered skateboard, to be precise. Along with the hovering skateboard of ‘Back to the Future II’, I certainly want one of these babies. Anyways, this stage is the shortest in the game, with you dealing with some small choppers and some random Foot Soldiers that want to act ‘cool’ and come in their own skateboards (ROCKET-powered too, grrrrrr!). Before you know it, the stage ends without too much fanfare.

M. Night Shamalyan plot twist: The Turtles never received formal driving lessons. OH NOES!

After the disastrous landing, you come upon the annoying realization that now SPLINTER has been kidnapped. Damn, can’t these guys hire some goddamn personal security? Anyway, you now reach the aforementioned abandoned factory you’ve been trying to get to, and things may get hectic all-around. Mousers make a comeback, and you may have to stay weary of some new hazardous environs, like laser beams and even mobile gun turrets (which are pretty easy to break once you get behind them). There are also new contraptions in town: the ‘saucer’ thingies (which fire annoying stun gun beams) which you must eliminate ASAP with a special attack before they get too frisky, and some small chopper bots which make QUITE the dramatic entrance via a Tubular Transport (this scene got me in the arcades thinking it was a boss).

After a while, you’ll see the captive Splinter...and your new friend, Granitor. This rock soldier tots around a crispy flamethrower, which isn’t as much as a problem as the flamethrower itself when Granitor uses it to wail on you. The reason I say this is because Granitor always tries (and usually suceeds) to do this whenever you land a jump kick. As with Rocksteady and Bebop, try to land as far as you can with the jump kick to avoid getting mauled. One would suspect that the fire in a flamethrower would be more dangerous, but eh...such is life. After you’ve reduced him to rubble, you get to save Splinter (now that was even faster than April).

Next time, bust out some of your 1337 ninja skills, woncha? I mean, pwned by puny Mousers, WTF?!

This is the second console-exclusive stage that you get. This one takes place in what seems like some ancient Japanese dojo, where Foot Soldiers can emerge from the floor or from the walls. You will also face a group of exclusive enemies right here. First, we have the Barbarians, which are robot ninjas who resemble gorillas. They are pretty agile for their appearance, jumping from side to side and throwing daggers (jump kicks can stop them in mid-air, though). We also have mech scorpions who shoot lasers from their tails and can also attack with such tails. Finally, we have a pretty original enemy in this game (mostly because it’s not a robot) which is a paper tiger. They emerge from some paintings and just run from one edge of the screen to the other. The problem is they’re pretty hard to stop. The key here is to keep attacking as they bounce back, but always with some degree of timing so they won’t end up leaping on your sorry ass.

The stage ends with Shogun, a cyborg warrior. In my opinion, this is one of the hardest bosses you will face (along with Krang). His naginata slashes cover quite some range, but his most annoying feature is that his floating head always keeps flying around in a ‘8’ pattern, which makes it hard to keep jump kicking since the head is always around. Be sure to jump kick on the opposite side of where the head is located, but be weary of the slashes as well. Once Shogun bites the dust, a huge trap door opens, and down you go to where the Technodrome is.

After seeing the first picture, the scene description doesn't make a whole lotta sense.....

A technological wonder this Technodrome is.... And riddled with some traps, too! Laser beams return from the abandoned factory stage, as well as some freeze sprays. You can walk through the freeze spray section by just jumping backward, and inmediately jump kicking when they appear so you can destroy them. You also take a small ride on an elevator while those ever-so-intriguing steel balls from stage 1 keep dropping. Once you reach the lower levels, you will reach a door which smashes open (protip: the door can harm you) and reveals General Tragg! General Tragg is much like Granitor from the factory stage, except he carries a missile launcher instead of a flamethrower. The same strategy applies here, although I found Granitor to be a bit harder than Tragg.

Once Tragg is history, you get to the final room. First off, you will face Krang, Shredder’s alien buddy from Dimension X. Krang will probably be the hardest battle, if not because Krang resists quite a lot. Let’s get away with the attacks that really don’t matter: his eye beams (BEHOLD!) and his ROCKET PUNCH. Like I said, those attacks won’t matter much if you keep jump kicking. Curiously, his most dangerous attack relies in his awkward-looking kick. It may not look like much, but Krang likes to do almost inmediately after receiving a jump kick, and even if you jump right after the last jump kick, Krang will land dat boot in your ass. Sometimes his kick can even stop YOUR own jump kick. Probably the most annoying thing is when keeps raising his arms like some retard. Like I said, patience is the key, and you may end up losing a life or two, but probably you may have quite a spare by now, so hang in there.

Once Krang makes way back to Dimension X (or wherever he blasts off to), the final battle with Shredder begins! Or is it...two Shredders? DAYUM! Once again, healthy jump kicking is the key. Shredder’s sword attacks aren’t as dangerous as his OTHER attack: the ever-so-feared retro-mutation beam for the ONE-HIT KILL! The beam covers up quite some space, so to keep jump kicking is the key to avoid being an easy target. You will notice which one is the clone Shredder as the clone will sometimes walk off to some random direction and stay there a while while the real Shredder continues his assault. The clone Shredder will also always lose his mask first. Once this happens, focus on the real Shredder, since the clone will no longer do the beam attack, but the real one CAN. DON’T kill the clone Shredder, or the real one will create another clone, and you’ll have to start from scratch again. Once the real Shredder loses his mask, you can do away with the clone, as the real one will not spawn another at this point. It gets easier from here, and when you finally defeat Shredder, it’s time to BAIL!

LOLLERCOPTERZ!

I do not know ONE person from back in the day who didn’t like the original TMNT arcade game, mostly because of the 4-player madness that predated other Konami beat-em-ups like X-Men or The Simpsons. As a kid, the NES version was a God-send, despite the lack of simultaneous 4-player action (there WAS a 4-player adaptor back in the day for only some NES games, but I guess enabling 4 players in this game would only add to the bad flickering already present). And looking back at it now...it wasn’t that bad of a conversion, either! I mean, we ARE talking about the NES here. Don’t expect it to completely reflect superior hardware technology (just look at the SF II and MK hacks that came afterwards). It kept the ESSENCE of the arcade game, even without the trademark voice samples that riddled the arcade version.

Also, it includes two extra stages, complete with new enemies and bosses! This adds a lot to replay value, and gives that extra something that most arcade conversions don’t give you anymore. Also, to this date, it has been the ONLY Konami beat-em-up that has made it to a home console (I wonder why? Time to make ‘em arcade collections, Konami!), and it hasn’t disappointed in the slightest. This beat-em-up keeps even the legendary Double Dragon on tab, and the two-player action, while not as addictive as 4 players, is still bundles of fun. Even if the game is riddled with repetitive strategies (special attacks for normal enemies, jump kicks for bosses), the game itself presents enough variety in stages and enemies to keep you waiting for what ‘s gonna happen next.

Yeah, but can you bust some Riverdance moves? Invincible has its' disadvantages!

SAY YOUR PWAYERS, TOYTLES!